everyone goes

hey
dad
it's been a 
minute
but I wanted to
talk about heaven
with you
and I think you're
there right now sitting on your lawn chair drinking hot coffee

I wanted to
talk about heaven
with you
and tell you that
I'm sorry
for all the times you told me
Everyone goes to heaven
and I 
scoffed
because I knew
I knew
you didn't understand
how
the 
gospel
works
you called me a princess
but it was an attack
and I hated you for it
but now looking back
I now can see
how that's
exactly
what 
I
was

I was a spoiled princess
How Dare you Defy Me Dad
Don't You Know I Know
more
than
you
about
life

you told me everyone goes to
heaven
how could a god allow people to
go
to
hell
how could he do that
and why
and I
scoffed
the royal princess that I was
and why should I listen
to someone who wakes waiting
to drink
every
day

I was so much better than that
but now I think I'd like to
talk about heaven
with you
and say
I'm 39
and not a day
goes by
that I don't think of you
and I don't think of you
in hell
but how you have a lawn-chair seat in heaven

and when we
talk about heaven
I want to tell you
that I wish I would have
been a better daughter
later after you died
I tried
I tried
I tried to understand your 
pain
in life
your pain
I think you numbed
you'd sink into
grayed and fuzzed and cotton-muffled brain

but we're talking about heaven
and I want to say
that even though you couldn't stay
to make your heaven
here
on
earth
you've got it now
and now
I know that
I 
don't 
know
all the things I thought
I knew
and you
and you are sitting on your
lawn chair
drinking coffee
restful and content
so proud of me
(you were always so proud of me)
I wish I could have been proud 
of you

but it came too late you couldn't wait
to leave
you 
could 
not
cancer decided
you
did 
not

so hey 
dad
it's been a
minute
but I wanted to 
talk about heaven 
with you
and tell you
that I am doing what I can
to make my heaven
here
on
earth
and when I drink
hot coffee
I think 
of you
of you
of how proud
I am
of you.

Listen: The Grief Episode

5 thoughts on “everyone goes

  1. scottygrrl2021 November 23, 2021 / 2:15 pm

    I have tears in my eyes as I read this. I’ve been thinking of him a lot lately as well. At the end we’d talk about God and heaven, and when he’d thank me for sitting and spending time with him, I’d tell him, when you get there, put in a good word for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen Knapp November 23, 2021 / 2:18 pm

      Lots of tears for me writing this, too.

      Like

  2. gary November 24, 2021 / 1:35 am

    I want to like this over and over ans over. i should create aliases. just perfect.

    Liked by 1 person

    • gary November 24, 2021 / 1:49 am

      i will use one of my aliases to spell β€œand” correctly.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Jen Knapp November 24, 2021 / 1:54 am

      You’re gonna make me cry! And I already did plenty of that writing this poem. Thank you for the validation. Publishing my poetry is scary! 😬😬

      Like

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