every tick tick item on my tick tick list is a tick tick tick from the tick tick end when I tick tick get to the tick tick end I cele— tick tick —brate the ticking tick tick end but the tick tick items on the tick tick list regener— tick tick —ate I ticking tick tick hate that I can’t tick tick get to the tick tick end the end’s a tick tick lie and I lie down let the list slip from my fingers it floats to the floor so many boxes unticked always so many boxes un ticking ticked un— ticking —believable I’m ticking done let’s just kiss instead.
if I were to have an affair it would be with you I would have gotten tangled up in marriage strangled up and tied up in marriage mangled in marriage and you with your blue eyes and intellect commanding respect every syllable you utter a shudder of my heart I'd start to realize that I'm awake and alive and I've fallen for you your blue eyes and intellect and I can't recollect time before you or space or anything without you awake and alive and I've fallen into a new dimension (did I mention the eyes?) so you'd be the one who would lead me astray away from my marriage my lackluster life I think about that if I were to have an affair but where our stars crossed lover blue and amber eyes locking awake and alive we hadn't been tossed into mediocre marriages yet and yet even at twenty two we knew we'd fallen into a new dimension and did I mention we've been in that dimension ever since
I lie in bed metaphors on the mind because how do you define love define love for me please I want to know the denotation dictionary definition but to know is to feel and to feel is not a dictionary definition it is a metaphor maybe different for every one of us must we define it? because the feeling feels fine and I think my metaphor for love is you.
when my mom was dying you wanted to meet up with me for dinner I was late I was late because I was on a walk with my mom I didn't cut the walk short so I could be on time with you you were so mad at me for being late we argued and if I had to do it again I wouldn't I'd turn around and leave and then that time would be with my mom not you because you are a thief you stole time from me and my mom and I'm mad I'm mad maybe I'll never stop being mad my mom and I would have had a lovely dinner together at home instead she ate alone that night I might never forgive you you apologized ten years later but it was ten years too late and ten words too late and I've been thinking that maybe you feel at peace now now that you've said your words and good for you but I can't get my time back and I'm mad that I didn't leave because mom left she's gone she's still and you you're still sorrying and I'm done giving you time time for me to turn around and leave bye bye I'm gone. Listen: The Grief Episode
You said that the rats come in your dreams after your sister died the rats come in your dreams difficult to sleep dreaming the dreams of naked tails difficult to wake to a day knowing the night brings beady eyes I seem to remember Orwell's Winston's biggest fear being trapped with rats with no escape in room 101 and one fear is all it takes to trap you in your dreams every night never anywhere but 101 locked no light but brown bodies a moving floor of fur for you your dreams don't let you leave this life your dreams don't let you lean on her your sister or kiss her "do you miss me? come and kiss me." one last time the time with her is all used up a cup poured out now night comes and I’d come too but my 101 is the next room down the hall a wall between us not filled with rats but rants of people disappointed in me I can't see you but I'm here I'll knock twice on our wall to say I'm here! (knock! knock!) our fears won't seem so bad I'm down the hall with just a wall between us.
I've been feeling dizzy
lately I like to think
it's thinking of you
that makes my brain
but feeling dizzy lately likely
is low blood sugar
my grandma always
used to say
always makes you
feel better there's beauty
in that, I think
and I think I'm feeling
yes I'm feeling
I wore pearl earrings today you would have approved of the pearls you always loved your pearls perhaps they were symbolic for you growing up one of thirteen I've been thinking about that how it must have been hard to stand out to stand tall so as soon as you could (you could) you got out and bought heels and pearl earrings and you stood tall I wore pearl earrings today and anyway I really just wanted to say that I love you I miss you I hope you are wearing pearl earrings in heaven.
Listen: The Grief Episode
A self-proclaimed "not-huggy" person I realized this morning as I sipped hot coffee that I'd really like a hug from my dad then I cried he died so I can't have that I sat with hot coffee and thought (we only children are good at that) I remember as a child when I'd skin my knee I'd only need a hug a big bear hug not a hollow not-really-touching but tapping my shoulder blades with your hands hug those are for purity-ring-wearing Christian college kids and I've done my time with them I'm done with hollow hugs I follow my thoughts back to when I Decided I That I Don't Hug and it wasn't hugs I didn't like it was the hollowness empty space between us saccharine kindness sucralose of love fake but tasted sweet I don't want that and I'm afraid afraid I've skinned my knee again and I need a hug.
I'm forgetting things like the term for when there's a period or a dash or a semicolon in the middle of a line -- of poetry I try and the word has slipped down in between the folds of my memories and I try I say sure I can do this I've taught if for years 15 years and I try I say sure a little jolt and I'll know it only one little word but that one little word has gone I'm forgetting things like what it's like to have coffee with you to send a quick text to you to tell you some stupid trivial thing thoughts like these I have but I don't remember what it's like Caesura is the term I've remembered but remembering has not brought peace because the term for the break in the line -- of poetry reminds me of the break in the line -- of your life and for the life of me I can't forget the feeling of thick grief gray-white fog it has settled in down in between the folds of my memories I'm forgetting things and when I forget things about you I can't google "the poetic term for a break in the middle of a line of poetry" there's nothing to search there's nothing to find but I'm trying don't want to give up I'm desperate and lonely and I want to remember remember what it's like to have coffee to text to dial your number and say -- what's the word? Mom
Listen: The Grief Episode
hey dad it's been a minute but I wanted to talk about heaven with you and I think you're there right now sitting on your lawn chair drinking hot coffee I wanted to talk about heaven with you and tell you that I'm sorry for all the times you told me Everyone goes to heaven and I scoffed because I knew I knew you didn't understand how the gospel works you called me a princess but it was an attack and I hated you for it but now looking back I now can see how that's exactly what I was I was a spoiled princess How Dare you Defy Me Dad Don't You Know I Know more than you about life you told me everyone goes to heaven how could a god allow people to go to hell how could he do that and why and I scoffed the royal princess that I was and why should I listen to someone who wakes waiting to drink every day I was so much better than that but now I think I'd like to talk about heaven with you and say I'm 39 and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and I don't think of you in hell but how you have a lawn-chair seat in heaven and when we talk about heaven I want to tell you that I wish I would have been a better daughter later after you died I tried I tried I tried to understand your pain in life your pain I think you numbed you'd sink into grayed and fuzzed and cotton-muffled brain but we're talking about heaven and I want to say that even though you couldn't stay to make your heaven here on earth you've got it now and now I know that I don't know all the things I thought I knew and you and you are sitting on your lawn chair drinking coffee restful and content so proud of me (you were always so proud of me) I wish I could have been proud of you but it came too late you couldn't wait to leave you could not cancer decided you did not so hey dad it's been a minute but I wanted to talk about heaven with you and tell you that I am doing what I can to make my heaven here on earth and when I drink hot coffee I think of you of you of how proud I am of you.
Listen: The Grief Episode